Out of gas, forever flatulent

Bite My Exhaust Pipe:
Pixar’s Cars

By Nelhydrea Paupér

After much discussion about the STATE OF THINGS (not the Wim Wenders film but the real STATE OF THINGS) Mrs. Paupér and I have come to the following conclusion: that there are two classifications of human beings in the modern world; that these two classifications transcend race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, political philosophy and chemical preternatural tendencies; and that these two classifications can be defined in relatively simple terms. To wit:

    Group one we will call the Directionalists. These are People who, when driving a car, use their directional signal – their “blinkers” – on a regular basis whenever they make a turn, left or right. Using their blinkers is not the end-all of life, but it is an indicator of that person’s overall outlook and philosophy. They understand that others are not reading their minds, that the universe does not revolve around them alone, that they are capable of making mistakes and causing accidents. They use their directionals because they should.

    Group two is comprised of the people who rarely or never use their directionals. They are called Shitheads.

    If you do not routinely use your directional when you are driving you, dear reader, are a Shithead.

    This bit of philosophical insight, acquired over the last few years whilst living as an exile in New Jersey, reemerged recently in Daddy Paupér’s heat-stroked head after visiting the local simplex with the Wee Paupér. We went to catch some air conditioning and the most recent Pixar release, Cars. It is clearly a movie made by and for Shitheads.

    The Paupér household has thus far avoided most of the current breed of CGI animated movies. The few we’ve seen have, put simply, sucked. The smarmy, self-knowing, nudge-nudge double-entendres intended for the “grownups,” so beloved by moronic audiences just because they go over the kiddies’ heads are, frankly, unfunny and obnoxious. I’m no prude – Anal Invaders 4 is among my favorite auteurist efforts – but why not try making smart jokes for the adults instead of bottom-feeder stuff? Or at least give the bottom-feeder stuff a witty enough presentation to make it actually clever.

    Anyway, it turned out we had somehow managed to only see recent animated drivel by Disney and Dreamworks. All crap (the Wee Paupér demanded to leave Shrek 2 after 30 minutes). But we’d entirely missed Pixar. I confess I knew the name but didn’t know there was supposed to be such a big difference in quality – until a few co-workers at my former employer informed me that Pixar was different and far superior, the corporation as auteur. One fellow considered The Incredibles to be the best film of 2004 (I still haven’t seen it so I offer no opinion here).

    With that in mind I took the Wee Paupér, now 6 years old, to see Cars. This time he lasted 45 minutes. Which was about 43 more than I thought I could bear.

    It was a completely muddled barrage of noise and gyration, with fast cutting galore and lots of switching from the general movie mise-en-scene view to a TV network ESPN-type view to Christ knows what else (think Speed Racer done as an Owen Wilson comedy directed by early-90s Oliver Stone). Confusing to an adult, pointless to a kid.

    Then it steals the entire plot of the 1991 Doc Hollywood. As far as I can tell none of the 12 – I shit you not, 12 – “writers” listed in the credits for this thing have the same name as either of the 2 writers credited for that inoffensive Michael J. Fox fluff.

    At this point the Wee one mercifully started wandering around the – empty – theater, jumping on the folding chairs and shaking his head “no” when I gestured for him to sit down and watch. It was time, he was ready, we left. I’ll never know what happened to Speed McGurk, or whatever the fuck that piece of shit lead character was named.

    I must state here that the Wee Paupér sat still throughout the entire Wallace and Gromit Curse of the Wererabbit. It so happens that it was quite good, well written, genuinely funny and had hand-animation that was simple but somehow pleasing to the eye ( I know it was released by Dreamworks but they didn’t actually “make it,” Nick Park and Steve Box did). He also sat throughout the Curious George movie earlier this year. Nothing special but it was actually quite sweet and enjoyable. Also hand animated, interestingly enough.

    Now, the wee Pauper likes lots of junk, mostly old stuff on video. He’s currently on a Little Lulu kick – the 1940s ones. He’s not infallible. But the Big-Self-important Paupér is a proud papa indeed. For when it comes to new animated studio releases the kid already knows shit from shinola.

— Nelhydrea Paupér