Shut the fuck up

New on DVD, about three minutes into 2 Days in Paris (2007) I realized my itinerary had been woefully compromised. Set mostly in cramped rooms, small cars and overcrowded streets — avoiding any uncluttered vistas, the picture itself is perilously close to hyperventilating — Julie Delpy and Adam Goldberg play hypochondriac narcissists living the stifling hell of a Woody Allen movie relationship, getting into each other’s face about all sorts of nonsense for over ninety minutes. Approaching the outer rung of middle age, they go on and on and on like unfocused adolescents, and their pairing seems nothing more than a miscalculated plot contrivance. I’m sure some would imagine their meandering chat to be ‘real’…but these eyes and ears have seen and heard far more absorbing anecdotes of fear, romantic confusion and insecurity in any number of Eric Rohmer films. Delpy directs (casting her own parents as themselves), hoping that we’ll empathize with the comical plight of doomed lovers with loose ties to reality. Goldberg whines and complains and does a terrible job faking cigarette smoking; Delpy’s a borderline ditz. I consider myself fortunate for not knowing anyone like them — at least no one over the age of 17. As her father would say, “Merde!”