PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE’S SORCERER-TASTIC, MUGGALICIOUS MID-SUMMER MOVIE QUIZ

There in my email is a Facebook note from Dennis Cozzalio, alerting me to his new quiz. I would’ve replied on Facebook, but by the time I figure out how to access my account, Facebook will be relegated to MySpace status and all of you poor saps will be scrambling to join The Next Big Thing.

    In any event here are my answers to the quiz which originated at Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule:

(1) Second-favorite Stanley Kubrick film.
I’m not the world’s biggest Stanley fan, though I’ll gladly place The Shining, The Killing and Eyes Wide Shut on some kind of ‘Top’ list. For the sake of the quiz, let’s say Eyes Wide Shut. And I agree with David Thomson’s theory: Nicole Kidman should’ve played all the women in the film, a presence Tom Cruise cannot escape!

2) Most significant/important/interesting trend in movies over the past decade, for good or evil.
That’s interesting, Dennis: “or evil.” To borrow the blogosphere parlance: WTF?!? Do you mean for good or ill? If it’s evil, it’s gotta be anything associated with Tarantino. Or was he the decade before? I forget…

3) Bronco Billy (Clint Eastwood) or Buffalo Bill Cody (Paul Newman)?
Drilling holes through the bottom of the barrel, I see.

4) Best Film of 1949.
Boom, just like that. 1949. Nineteen-forty-frikkin’-nine. Like I’m supposed to have one sitting right here. Hold on a sec. (Flickhead retreats to the internet.) OK, how about Thieves’ Highway?

5) Joseph Tura (Jack Benny) or Oscar Jaffe (John Barrymore)?
Dennis, are you sure you’re not gay? (Flickhead raises both arms:) “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

6) Has the hand-held shaky-cam directorial style become a visual cliché?
It became so roughly ten minutes after it began. We’ve been wallowing in the unfortunate aftermath ever since.

7) What was the first foreign-language film you ever saw?
The Silence back in the late 60s when PBS TV held a week-long Bergman festival.

8) Charlie Chan (Warner Oland) or Mr. Moto (Peter Lorre)?
See my answer to #5.

9) Favorite World War II drama (1950-1970).
You’ve sidestepped some gems from Warners in the 40s with those dates, and Sam Fuller’s Big Red One came out in the 80s. Still, I have a particular fondness for Tora! Tora! Tora! (1970) because those battle scenes twirl my turban.

10) Favorite animal movie star.
The dog in A Boy and His Dog was pretty cool.

11) Who or whatever is to blame, name an irresponsible moment in cinema.
Harry Julien Fink, Rita M. Fink and Dean Riesner for the screenplay of Dirty Harry: the killer should’ve never been shown until those moments when he was at the mercy of Harry. By showing the killer at work, the screenplay legitimizes Harry’s insanity.

12) Best Film of 1969.
Impossible.

13) Name the last movie you saw theatrically, and also on DVD or Blu-ray.
In the theater it was that disappointment with Clive Owen and Julia Roberts; on DVD it was Juliette Lewis, Gina Gershon and Mickey Rourke in Picture Claire; on Blu-ray it was Then She Found Me, Helen Hunt showing the world how nicotine and cigarette smoke can ravage a once-pretty face and body.

14) Second-favorite Robert Altman film.
You know something, Dennis? I think Robert Altman sucks.

15) What is your favorite independent outlet for reading about movies, either online or in print?
Other than the occasional David Thomson book, I don’t read about movies.

16) Who wins? Angela Mao or Meiko Kaji? (Thanks, Peter!)
Who the fuck…? I’ll let Peter vote for me. (Thanks, Peter!)

17) Mona Lisa Vito (Marisa Tomei) or Olive Neal (Jennifer Tilly)?
OK, I’m sure I should know where these characters are from, but, well, shit dude, I don’t. But I’d gladly, happily, eagerly give myself to Marisa any day of the week, so she gets my vote.

18) Favorite movie that features a carnival setting or sequence.
This is actually a loaded subject, and I’m hard-pressed to choose just one: Carny, Nightmare Alley, Strangers on a Train… if I had a few more brain cells I’m sure I could rattle off a few more titles.

19) Best use of high-definition video on the big screen to date.
Beats me.

20) Favorite movie that is equal parts genre film and a deconstruction or consideration of that same genre.
When all else fails, say “Showgirls.”

21) Best Film of 1979.
Now there’s a bleak time, for me at least. Bad karma. Spooky stuff. Blackouts. UFO sightings. Please, don’t make me relive that hell!

22) Most realistic and/or sincere depiction of small-town life in the movies.
Barbara Loden’s Wanda is dead on the money.

23) Best horror movie creature (non-giant division).
Since he’s essentially a walking penis fully erect, the Creature from the Black Lagoon scores points.

24) Second-favorite Francis Ford Coppola film.
I’m probably the only person on earth who actually likes the third Godfather movie, and, yes, Sofia too.

25) Name a one-off movie that could have produced a franchise you would have wanted to see.
It’s still early, but if they could revive the organization of loom weaver assassins from Wanted, I’d go see every one of them. But Angie would have to be in them. She wants me, you know. I can tell. Brad’s just an in-between fling for her.

26) Favorite sequence from a Brian De Palma film.
Craig Wasson getting drunk and watching cable porn in Body Double.

27) Favorite moment in three-strip Technicolor.
See my answer to #5.

28) Favorite Alan Smithee film. (Thanks, Peter!)
A ‘favorite,’ huh?

29) Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) or Morris Buttermaker (Walter Matthau)?
Crash and Buttermaker? Shouldn’t you be out mowing the lawn or something?

30) Best post-Crimes and Misdemeanors Woody Allen film.
Time generally isn’t too kind to his films; with that in mind, I’ll go with Vicky Cristina Barcelona, a very good film which could very well degenerate and suck in fifteen or twenty years.

31) Best Film of 1999.
I got nothing.

32) Favorite movie tag line.
“He’s the dude with the plan to stick it to The Man!” (Superfly)

33) Favorite B-movie western.
Monte Hellman’s The Shooting.

34) Overall, the author best served by movie adaptations of her or his work.
Financially, it’s got to be Stephen King. As for novel-to-film transitions, I’d be curious to know, because so few novels make it to the screen intact.

35) Susan Vance (Katharine Hepburn) or Irene Bullock (Carole Lombard)?
You know, the older I get, the less patience I seem to have for so much of ‘Golden Age’ Hollywood. Not all of it, but a lot of it.

36) Favorite musical cameo in a non-musical movie.
The choreographed dance number set to Lou Christie’s “Lightening Strikes” in Strange Behavior.

37) Bruno (the character, if you haven’t seen the movie, or the film, if you have): subversive satire or purveyor of stereotyping?
“Subversive satire” is way too generous; “purveyor of stereotyping” way too naïve.

38) Five film folks, living or deceased, you would love to meet. (Thanks, Rick!)
For what purpose? If it’s to sit down and chat, I’d go with the Hollywood drunks: W.C. Fields, William Holden, John Huston, Robert Mitchum, John Barrymore. There’s sure to be some juicy stories there. If it’s to bask in the glow of their aura, I’d feed my libido: Fanny Ardant, Camilla Sparv, Ingrid Thulin, Sophia Loren, Daliah Lavi… that list could go on and on…